20 Things That Irk Me
1) Spitters. If it's bad enough that you don't want it in your mouth, please don't make me look at it.
2) Those who can't walk and chew gum at the same time, but then decide to add a cell/mobile phone to the equation. Stay out of my way.
3) People who stop dead the instant they get off an escalator, pass through a ticket barrier, get off a bus. Pick a direction, any direction. Just get out of my way.
4) Women who wear heels they can't reach a normal walking speed in. Move over to the slow lane, please. Don't text or speak on your mobile phone. Or chew gum. Just move. Quickly.
5) People who are eternally surprised that they might need to pay a) when getting on a bus b) when purchasing goods in a store, and then fumble for hours in their bag for ticket/wallet.
6) People who make no attempt to cover up a cough or sneeze on public transport. If bird flu does hit the human population, you will be responsible for the end of civilisation as we know it.
7) People who don't say "thank you" when you hold a door open for them.
8) People who shamelessly milk the welfare state while the rest of us work to age 85 and slog our guts out.
9) Parents who raise ill-mannered brats who can't use a knife and fork properly and have never sat down to a family meal at home, and then blame the schools for failing to instill discipline. You're the parent. This is your job. Don't breed if you won't take responsibility for yourself and your offspring.
10) Women pushing infants in buggies/prams who a) smoke b) screech profanities c) nearly jerk little Johnny's arm out of its socket when their progeny, inevitably, misbehaves.
11) Train station staff who start blowing "hurry up, train's about to depart" whistles the instant the train comes to a stop. Before anyone's managed to get off. While Big Brother recorded announcements badger the waiting throng not to attempt to get on before passengers have alighted.
12) Stupefied commuter sheep on trains and buses who a) won't sit down if a seat is available b) won't go upstairs (on buses) where there are plenty of seats available c) instead choose to cluster, sheep-like, in the aisle and block the doors so that d) the driver refuses to let the waiting throng get on (on the grounds that the bus is too full) and e) drives off, with many empty seat plainly visible, leaving behind a now angry waiting throng who are all going to be late for work, one or two of whom will probably write stiff letters of complaint to the Transport Commission when they do eventually finish their commute sometime later that century. To which the reply will be something along the lines of, "We're truly sorry, blah blah....SUCKER!"
13) The fact that drinking Diet Coke whilst eating chocolate gateau doesn't in fact,
cancel out the calories in the cake.
14) Paid Political Announcements. No one watches them. Can't you just show me a re-run of The Simpsons? I'd be more likely to vote for you then.
15) Being called "madame" in shops, when I'm feeling particularly young and funky.
16) The fact that my neck will never be long enough for me to wear turtleneck jumpers without looking like an East German weightlifter of indeterminate gender.
17) Richard Simmonds. And celebrities who think that being famous gives them a
mandate to be holier than the rest of us (Sean Penn, Bono…)
18) Cabbies who speed up when they spot you on a pedestrian crossing.
19) Containers that are either a) impossible to get into if you don't have the strength of ten men, b) rip in such a way that the contents spill all over the place once you do manage to open them, and then c) won't re-seal properly using the useless piece of tape so considerately supplied by the b%&*@d manufacturer.
20) People who complain all the time. Still, not everyone can be a Susie Sunshine like me...
